Thursday, December 6, 2012

Bucky Badger responds to Bret Bielema leaving Wisconsin for Arkansas.

(Buckingham U. Badger, mascot of the University of Wisconsin, Freudian nightmare incarnate, and third cousin of Dread Chuthulu (once removed), responds to the recent hire by Arkansas of former Wisconsin head football coach Bret Bielema.)

Ah, Mister Bielema. You managed to somehow escape from my servitude. No matter, per the terms of our agreement your soul will belong to me for the next 100,000 years to do with as I will. And I have a truly creative mind for pain and suffering, no?

Oh, how inconsiderate of me. I must congratulate you on your new position at - what is it now, the University of Arkansas? What a delightful oxymoron! I see it has classes not available at our fine institution. Of course, we have no need for a class called "Introduction to Indoor Plumbing 101" here at the University of Wisconsin, as the fine students of this state learn the use those kind of things even before they undergo any formal education.

Did you truly feel that your unexpected betrayal would not go unpunished? Foolish humanoid meat puppet! The tentacles of the Big Ten are many, and it's reach stretches from the farthest sun in the darkest galaxy in the sky, to the bleak barren wasteland you have run off to. Lord Delany has given me infinite authority to punish your foul treason. And oh I shall, I shall!

Do not expect a full-frontal assault, though. I have infinite patience, and sooner or later, my children - my precious offspring of my spirit if not my flesh and loins - shall come and inflict the millions of years of pain and suffering on those lowly piglets you find yourself in charge of in a sixty-minute slaughter that will last a thousand lifetimes of a star.

Until then, I am content to watch you struggle against the lesser Demon-filth of the nether-regions of the Southlands as they crush your soul and drain you of your pride and dignity every weekend of the fall. I shall enjoy seeing Lord Saban and his dark Crimson forces slaughter you.