Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Every time Peyton Manning makes an Oreo commercial a small piece of my soul dies

Peyton Manning may be the greatest commercial spokesman of our time. His Master Card commercials are absolute pieces of art (and the Priceless Pep Talk on "Feeling Old" makes a great online birthday message.). His Direct TV commercials are right up there, especially the one with the cheerleaders .
But there's one product that Peyton endorses whose commercials speak of an epic fail greater than the human mind can manage to contemplate: Double Stuff Oreos.
It had nothing to do with the quality of Double Stuff Oreos. Trust me, I've fiddled with the middle more than once in my lifetime. It's just the mind-nummingness of the idea that Peyton Manning would do something so beneath himself like a "Double Stuff Racing League". I remember watching the first DSOL commercial. It was like seeing Sting wearing the bellboy uniform in Quadrophenia.
At least the ones with the Williams Sisters had promise, but the final showdown between Peyton/Eli and Venus/Serena was a screwjob worthy of a Survivor Series PPV. Now comes the latest round of embarrassment featuring not only Donald Trump, but Darrell Hammond as his evil twin/clone/life-size Mini-Me.
Why Peyton needs this particular endorsement is beyond all reason. It certainly isn't for the money or the glory. The only possible reason could be is that he's helping out his little brother Eli begin his commercial endorsement career. At least Eli is comepetent enough to steal Peyton's thunder once in awhile. That "Eighteen chatterbox left" comment was funny.
But that's beside the point. Where Peyton's other commercials have bought countless moments of laughter and joy, the DSOL commercials bring nothing but mind-numbing sadness. Long nights have been spent contemplating the cosmic ramifications of these spots...or at least the playoff ramifications. Even thinking of them makes me want to go off and console myself...with a package of Nutter Butters.

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