Wednesday, August 14, 2013

The 8 most Queefcore quarterbacks in college football history.

Queefcore and college football. Has there ever been a music genre and sport that have been more suited for each other? Both rose to prominence in the mid-to-late 90’s as television slowly learned there was money to be made broadcasting football, and radio programmers figured it was more successful to play alternative rock more similar to Journey and Boston than it was to Nirvana and Pearl Jam.

Of course, that may be to the fact that legendary college football blogger Spencer Hall invented the term “Queefcore” to describe American bands like Matchbox 20, Tonic and (unfortunately) Creed, who played music using basic chords and 4/4 drum beat sung to lyrics that while could be introspective and even spiritual at times, but couldn’t completely hide an underlying level of latent douchebaggery. These were bands had at least moderate to quite notable success,   but maintained a journeyman-level of musicianship that kept them from truly making it to the level of an R.E.M. or a Pearl Jam.

With that in mind, here are the eight college quarterbacks of the past decade or so that have more personify the connection of college football and Queefcore. Why eight? Because Queefcore is all about those awkward numbers in the band's name that make no sense why they're there (i.e. Stroke 9, Eve 6, Matchbox 20, etc.). That's why, bro.

1. Tim Tebow, Florida
Was there any question of what QB would be at the top of Queefcore Mountain? In it’s purest form, Queefcore developed in Florida in the mid 90‘s (though non-Florida bands like Collective Soul and Better Than Ezra did more than a lot to pave the way for full-fledged Queefcore, and have to be considered to be part of the genre on some level). The Heisman-winning Florida QB easily personified the combination of success and underperformance at the heart of most Queefcore in college. He even managed to take it with him to the NFL for a second or two. Tebow even manages to personify the yin/yang of Queefcore principles of spirituality/douchebaggery, since even we don’t like to admit it, we are all born into douchebaggery. and struggle to overcome it through faith.

Queefcore song Tebow is most like:
“Hanging By a Moment” by Lifehouse. As much as you want to pick a Matchbox 20, Lifehouse’s greatest hit is in many ways every late 90’s praise and worship song wrapped up into one, thus synchs up with His Tebowness all too well.

2. Matt Ryan, Boston College.
First the obvious: Matty Ice. Whitest. Nickname. Ever. And that’s with having Johnny Football in the running for the title. Ryan may have inverted the ratio of success-to-talent a little bit at Boston College. That would explain his success as the Atlanta Falcons’ starting QB, along with his playoff record.

Queefcore song Ryan is most like:
“Drops of Jupiter” by Train. Moments of sheer brilliance, alternating with moments of bewildering underperformance. Let’s just say last year’s NFC championship game is that “best soy latte” lyric and leave it there before the mental scarring I got from that game sets in, okay? 

Honorable mention for no. 2: Joel Stave, Wisconsin. Because he can pull off a pretty good cover of "Drops of Jupiter" on the piano. 

3. Stephen Garcia, South Carolina.

Queefcore is the most “bro” music genre ever, and Garcia is the most “bro” quarterback ever. Sadly, Garcia let his inner douchebag out a little more than he should have, and paid for it by frequent suspensions and eventual dismissal from the team. So basically, it’s the Scott Stapp story on a football level.

Queefcore song Garcia is most like: “My Own Prison” by Creed.

4. A.J. McCarron, Alabama.
Speaking of latent douchebaggery...Well, it kinda has a habit of oozing to the surface in McCarron’s case. As much as he wants to come off as the hard-working QB from a humble background, it’s the not-so-subtle things like that chest tattoo and dating Katherine Webb that betray his true nature.

Queefcore song McCarron is most like: “Semi-Charmed Life” by 3rd Eye Blind. Perky little top-40 radio hit that just happens to reference crystal meth and “little red panties.”

5. Matthew Stafford, Georgia.
Did I say Queefcore artists mixed success with underperformance? By that description Georgia may be the most Queefcore college football program in the country. Stafford managed to personify that during his time in Athens, never quite managing to hit his stride when he needed to.

Queefcore song Stafford is most like:
“You Wanted More” by Tonic. Georgia fans expect the Dawgs to win the BCS title every year, despite the team’s obvious shortcomings. That went double for Stafford.

6. Aaron Murray, Georgia.

See no. 5 above. Add awkward mall fashion sense, as Queefcore is all about mall fashion. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Queefcore song Murray is most like: Which part of “Wash. Rinse. Repeat.” do you not understand?

7. Tyler Bray, Tennessee.

Oh Tyler. So much potential, so much sheer underperformance. With better head football coach, and fewer beer bottle-throwing incidents, you could have avoided being a part of Vols trip down the downward spiral.

Queefcore song Bray is most like:
“Desperately Wanting” by Better Than Ezra. The memories are what hurt the most.

8. Tate Forcier, Michigan.

Another QB from the Stephen Garcia “bro” playbook. Like many Queefcore artists who had a hit or two and then not much else, Forcier had that great start in his freshman year, then went sideways into a 5-7 record. He went on to watch as Denard Robinson took his starting job.

Queefcore song Forcier is most like:
“Unwell” by Matchbox 20. Most Michigan fans feel “unwell” thinking of him.

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